this post is very special okay,
must read .
cos it'll be th only time i actually will admit i'm thick skulled - -"

it took scandal getting hurt and pissed at me,
it took zac dii to give me th cold shoulder and freakin' reprimand me,
it took lessy to constantly reassure me,
it took joel to nudge and push me,

to make me realize tht, not only have i been running away .
i've been hurting myself and them by pushing them away.

not only scandal and dii got hurt,
thinking about it now..

alot of people got hurt .. like, lessy, jason and cheston kor .
plus shifu, daen, josh and th rest of them tht i treated th same way..

even jie, now tht my head is less muddled .
i guess, tht's why im grateful vinn is with her.
she wont realize anything.

--

[ insert name ] wont realize anything. Im not needed anymore.

I'll be telling myself tht, and find any reason available to get away.


for lessy's case, i told myself it's cos i cant forgive her for befriending someone who scolded her publically in th cyber world .

for scandal, i told myself, she got other people to take care of her. She doesnt need someone who constantly hurts her.

for zac dii, it's cos i thought he had diane and his church mates, why would he need his jie around?

--

th reason why im putting all this down in words,
is to apologize for everyone tht i disappeared on .

th talk between me and jason kor, was okay .
he's still th same old mean chinaman .
but he knows whn to be nice whn th occasion calls for it .

th chat between me and cheston kor was less desirable .
it started off weird, thn it slowly descended to something worse.
i got scolded, advised, preached and nagged by him,
and it was even about to blow up to full out scream fest .
but i gave in, cos i know it was my fault it became like this .
i made him worry, for months on end .
not even willing to meet him after he asked nicely .
now, thanks to my decision, i had to bind myself to a biased contract with him.


i dont know.. How to get them all back.. Desirable or not.
And face my fears about trust and stop th habit of disappearing on people..

i dont know if it's too late to get you all back,
but i'd like to try .

would you give me th chance ?

i know i've didnt even try to come close for about 6-8 months,
but i'd still like to have a chance to be by your side again.

will you let me ?


-SHAA